mercy me.

...learning about being motivated by love.

do you know that if you ever feel guilty or inadequate or like a failure, it is NOT your Father speaking to you??

did you?

because all he ever says is, i've got this. whoops, that didn't work very well...let me have a look. don't worry, i know you'll do better next time. because your MY boy. my girl.

did you catch that? i'm God, and you're my kid. just like my other son, who i think you met a while back. when you met him, i put all of his nature and character inside you.

so get up; here, let me brush you off...and go get em.

tiger.

And a sword will pierce through your own soul also--that the secret thoughts and purposes of many hearts may be brought out and disclosed. Luke 2:35

what did mary ever do, but live in complete obedience and surrender to God's will? and he allowed the enemy to kill her son. cold-blooded murder, if you will. and he didn't apologize; he said, this is for the good of the world. in fact, not only did he allow the murder, he picked her to have the baby in the first place, when he could've picked anyone. and yes, she was willing, she agreed to it; but she also had absolutely no clue what she was signing up for. how MUCH she would love that little baby, and how much she would sacrifice. telling her that the blessing that would come would be indescribably greater than the pain she was feeling when he died--i'm pretty sure that didn't make her feel a whole lot better.

"Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found grace (free, spontaneous, absolute FAVOR and loving-kindness) with God." Luke 1:30

so the favor of God can sometimes mean that you'll lose what you love more than your own life? and that he won't apologize as your whole world is torn apart??

and that if you can only make it through; if you can possibly trust in the middle of excruciating pain; if you can somehow hold out as everything goes upside-down and wonky; you could see the glory of God manifest in ways beyond imagination? and maybe, just maybe...ways GREATER than would've ever been possible, if you hadn't been willing to have your soul pierced...

mary's destiny, from the beginning of time, should she be willing...was to have her heart broken.

not from the beginning of time, but from the time of adam's bad choice.

but--but but but--because she said yes; because she said "i'm in;" because she said "let it be done to me according to what you have said"...

the strongest and most evil power that ever existed was destroyed. and the kingdom of God came to earth. and the almighty God once again turned and caused his face to shine on the people he created in his image, his holiness now fully accessible, not blocked by any wall or veil. and he then poured out the richness of his nature and his character and his power and authority in exceeding abundance into these peoples' lives, restoring them to what he had originally created them to be.

and you better believe that her Abba Father restored life and peace to her beautiful little heart, and brought more blessing and joy in the end than she could possibly contain, so much so that--believe it or not--it was all worth it.

i know. he is showing me, every day.

every day as my joy comes back a little bit more, and the world takes on newer, brighter colors than ever before, and people look in wonder at what God's strength has brought me through...

every day as i get one more opportunity to bring light where there was only shadow, and love where there was deep, deep pain, and beauty where the enemy thought he reigned...

i know that it's true.

"...blessed (happy, to be envied) is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord." Lk 1:45

...it's only the beginninggg!!

p.s.

what god told me that put all of this in motion...he's brilliant, really, and so nice at the same time...never painfully straightforward or blunt:

get over yourself.

pbbbthlt

i just got excited about cooking for the first time in months. it was weird. i quickly bought some microwaveable dinners to suppress the feeling.

haha...but even that was more proactive than i've been about eating since...since the last time.

let me tell you about my birthday. i spent the entire day by myself. the first half was beautiful, brunch at the parish, walking in the amazing weather, loads and loads of phone calls and online messages; then i was supposed to go to a show with a friend, but she got stuck at work, and i went to that alone as well. alone, except for the little man who decided we should both be together in our aloneness. i managed to escape him halfway through the night.

the show was AMAZING, band called The Bravery, listen to them. as i sat and tried to think of reasons the night didn't suck, i said to myself, if i was a character in a comedy, people would be dying laughing right now!

the truth of the matter is, though...my birthday was perfect. it started at midnight the morning of, when i was STRUGGLING and wrestling with god about some changes in my life that i have been believing for, that i have not seen happen, though i have been desperate for it for months and months. and he, this time, because he knows that dates and times are important to me--he came through, and he brought a change in my heart, and overcame me with with his LOVE love love, and freed me to be wrapped up in him as i never have before. he gave me perspective on my life that i have been trying to find for AGES...and i then waited over the past few days to see if i would get sucked back into the other mindset i had...and i haven't. because it wasn't a change that i brought to myself, through rationalizing or self-pep-talks...it was the kinda thing only my Abba-god can do, the kinda thing it DELIGHTS him to do, the rescuing his girl and giving her joy no man can take away kinda thing, and it's done.

i am starting a new year, a seeing-heaven-on-earth year, and i am ready. so ready. and the enemy will try to run right in and ruin everything, like he tried to on my birthday...but that's not how it's gonna work.

i was made to love, and that's just how it's gonna be.

move.

I'm serious. Power comes when we act and move. God ALWAYS meets us when we step out. We just gotta get over ourselves.

my friend sean said this after i texted him needing some validation regarding an intense conversation i was having at work. there is essentially one truth, one right, and it revolves around our need to be reconciled to the Father, i said. but what about hindus and muslims and others that never ever hear this "truth," one of our regulars asked?

i started explaining how i feel that God gives opportunities to everyone to be reconciled to him, although for some it may not be as cut and dried as "believing Jesus died for you and accepting him into your heart." maybe some never hear this exact message--i still believe somehow God gives them a chance to make a choice for him.

i was cut off because someone listening in got uncomfortable, which is nothing new. i sat there for a minute chewing on the fact that EVERYONE i am currently surrounded by wants an easy worldview, one that allows for everyone to believe however they please and still have a happy ending.

so in an effort to remind myself of all that supports the way i feel, the views i hold that are so ugly and disagreeable to so many, i asked sean, do people from other religions go to heaven?

and he explained to me what i already knew, affirmed my thoughts, made me feel less psycho...and reminded me about the power.

see, God's power is uncomfortable to move in. i haven't thought about it a whole lot for quite a while, because--well--debating is much more acceptable. sounding intelligent and informed, that's something atlantans like. changing someone's physical or spiritual makeup, on the other hand...there's never really a guarantee how anyone will respond.

but the truth is, that's fear talking--because when God's power is displayed, it SHUTS UP arguments and debates! God's power will only EVER have a positive effect for the kingdom i am supposedly living my whole life for. right? right??

so....

facing front...

...and moving forward.

what's going to be next? it's time for some new. life is too comfy.

maybe nepal? www.umbrellanepal.org ...or africa? or...??


america?

ahhhg

so incredibly beautiful and simple...that...you completely miss it if you look too hard...

Jesus did not live a life, or preach a gospel of compromise; the attraction of His life to the masses was the fact that He made the invisible God visible and at the same time reflected the original blueprint of every individual. His mission was to both reveal and redeem the image and likeness of God in human form. Col.1:13-15.
The most labelled sinner in society, the prostitute and tax-collector, heard enough in His message and saw enough in His life, to feel totally identified and included in Him. In Him they saw the display of the character of their true design and make-up; they recognised the life that they were meant to live: a totally fulfilled, unselfish life of love and moral integrity.

-Francois Du Toit, Thoughts For Life

...is this the gospel how it was meant to be told? i believe...