pbbbthlt

i just got excited about cooking for the first time in months. it was weird. i quickly bought some microwaveable dinners to suppress the feeling.

haha...but even that was more proactive than i've been about eating since...since the last time.

let me tell you about my birthday. i spent the entire day by myself. the first half was beautiful, brunch at the parish, walking in the amazing weather, loads and loads of phone calls and online messages; then i was supposed to go to a show with a friend, but she got stuck at work, and i went to that alone as well. alone, except for the little man who decided we should both be together in our aloneness. i managed to escape him halfway through the night.

the show was AMAZING, band called The Bravery, listen to them. as i sat and tried to think of reasons the night didn't suck, i said to myself, if i was a character in a comedy, people would be dying laughing right now!

the truth of the matter is, though...my birthday was perfect. it started at midnight the morning of, when i was STRUGGLING and wrestling with god about some changes in my life that i have been believing for, that i have not seen happen, though i have been desperate for it for months and months. and he, this time, because he knows that dates and times are important to me--he came through, and he brought a change in my heart, and overcame me with with his LOVE love love, and freed me to be wrapped up in him as i never have before. he gave me perspective on my life that i have been trying to find for AGES...and i then waited over the past few days to see if i would get sucked back into the other mindset i had...and i haven't. because it wasn't a change that i brought to myself, through rationalizing or self-pep-talks...it was the kinda thing only my Abba-god can do, the kinda thing it DELIGHTS him to do, the rescuing his girl and giving her joy no man can take away kinda thing, and it's done.

i am starting a new year, a seeing-heaven-on-earth year, and i am ready. so ready. and the enemy will try to run right in and ruin everything, like he tried to on my birthday...but that's not how it's gonna work.

i was made to love, and that's just how it's gonna be.