oliver.

2011-12-27T20:50:00.001-08:00

I won't compromise.

Nit for love, because love would never ask.

Not for acceptance, because it will only validate someone else's insecurities.

Not for spontaneity, because now that I have been shown who I am and what I am worth--it is far, far too much too risk.

only you

2011-06-10T04:11:00.001-07:00

golden beach

The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

him i love. him i trust, whatever comes. him i will stand tall for, and fight for, and take heat unblinkingly for...

every other person in life, i love so that they may feel loved and learn to return it. him only, i love...because his wild passion burning for me incites madness in me that demands expression.

he is sense in insanity. he is rock in shaky, shaky ground. he is energy, propelling me forward when i can no longer move a muscle. exquisite beauty in rooms full of hospital white. random joy in engulfing despair.

urgently, desperately, as an act of violence in a mind-bending war; not as an emotion but as a weapon with all the force of heaven behind it--I LOVE YOU.

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=]

2011-05-27T22:56:00.001-07:00

---> I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]. <--- equals I KICK ASS.

you can too.

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ponderment

2011-04-28T03:17:00.000-07:00

God doesn't want us to do it all ourselves, and he doesn't want us to move aside so he can do it; he has a part in every single circumstance that he's equipped US to do, and then a part that ONLY HE can do which will take the part that we did to a new level we could never have imagined.

but the coolest detail of this little paradox is that he can't do his part until we do ours. that's the way he planned it. he's sneaky.

so he designed it so that we cannot try to do his job; but neither can we try to "step aside" in fake humility and leave it all up to him.

then what choice is left?

doing life with him. =]

and this VVVVV is just magical.

thebesttraveldestinations.com

the shire?

2011-04-15T06:27:00.001-07:00

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swagga like us

2011-04-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

don't wear skinny jeans cuz my knots don't fit. -jay z

i'm positive hip hop artists and rappers are some of the most self-motivated people in the world. which would be why they are now the majority voice in entertainment and growing by the day. they are infiltrating every genre through collabs and samples...except CCM's top 40 of course.

which would be why christian music continues to only be relevant to people who understand what "pleading the blood" and "relationship not religion" means.

haha...

most people who use those terms have never had to "plead the blood" over their brother as he lay in the street, begging for one more day for him and a chance to repent and straighten up. they've never been in a rage at their girlfriend, and had to jump on her and cover her with their body to shield her from gunshots, bc no matter how angry she makes them, she's their "ride or die" for life. is that religion or relationship?

i bet eminem has saved some people for heaven.

while i'm out here hanging off the cliff...that was a complete rabbit trail off where i was originally going. i just wanted to say that if we would put more into our songs and media about how rich and famous we are--speak a fabolous ;) existence over our lives the way rick ross & diddy do...i bet we would see even better results.

so rad.

2011-04-05T22:57:00.001-07:00

zoom in!! my discovery on my walk today.

such a rich corner of the world, little 5 points is. rich with talent, potential, people...pouring out their lives on the streets and in the stores. some of it comes out beautiful and some ends up a wreck. every gypsy, artist and beggar was out today devouring the sunshine--this place is its own little melting pot. what i love is that they never stop creating. every piece they create brings them one little step closer to being whole--as long as they are making new art, they are still in pursuit of life, and they will find it.

besides which it makes my atmosphere completely fascinating and never dull.

my favorite part was walking back up the street to my place, as an indie kid rode past on his bike serenading me at the top of his lungs.

;)

i got into a long quarrel today--one that ended in me feeling like the world has never been and will never be more RIGHT. how cool.

wanna fight?

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the best thing about rough days?

2011-03-31T20:22:00.000-07:00

conquering them.

my new hook, compliments of nicki:

i came to live, to fly
to conquer, to thrive
i came to live, to survive
to prosper, to rise

i intensely disliked my day today. i COULD NOT get it together. everything got the best of me.

but if there's one thing i've learned from my life coach, it's that it is NEVER too late to start a new day (besides that i will without question one day rule the world).

it doesn't matter how long it takes, i will not lose the war. even if the evil i'm fighting is myself. so about 7pm, i ever so slowly began to climb out of the pit i was wallowing in (enjoying a little too much, to be honest).

and by 9:30 i was driving home singing. and i knew that no matter how weak i was all day (and it was pathetic)--i ended the day a little bit stronger than i had been before--and no matter how tiny an amount of new strength i have, i am now stronger than i have ever been in my life.

take THAT, measly scrawny suck day!

me, me, me against them
me against enemies, me against friends
somehow they both seem to become one
a sea full of sharks and they all smell blood
they start coming and i start rising
must be surprising, i’m just surmising
win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
more fire

wimeme

2011-03-29T09:59:00.001-07:00

i wrote this a couple weeks ago, the night after the above was taken.

dare you to live like you are someone the world has to hear about.

;)

«»«»«»«»«»

it's night now, and i'm sitting on a rock pier, watching the ocean force itself on the beach in surges, only to be shoved back to its place with no questions asked. to the left is the dazzling south beach skyline with all it's lines and curves and million colors...to the right is the endless unknown.

and then there's lil tiny me, in the middle, eating it all up.

there's one chance to live--no rerun. i was given breath and the whole world to take or to leave.

we work harder than anyone i know, aside from maybe my big bro (i am a rapper, nicki nick better make some room). then we play even harder. and i have the best, most fulfilled, undeniably brilliant, beautiful life of anyone i know. hands down.

it's not even a little bit easy, but it wasnt meant to be.

i was made to take over the world.

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colossal

2011-03-29T09:36:00.001-07:00

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wimeme

2011-02-22T04:07:00.001-08:00

on the train this morning...turning my luggage into art...

this is the first time i have ever managed to fly without a carry on--i am so proud. and so not straining my shoulder.

life is so free without extra baggage.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

2011-02-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

on my way to the park, "Boundaries" and a full thermos of whole-milk-ovaltine in tow. fat kid in training! this is not an easy task.

i'm going to have a pizza-eating contest with myself at class tonight.

the day out there is DAZZLING, inspiration is flowing, and yes, i'm about to wear my new red cowgirl boots!!

i was just thinking to myself the other day--"cowgirl boots are the new trend? for real? what will it be next,jodhpurs?" that was until i found MINE.

if you act really excited i might post a picture.

love day!

2011-02-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

i love that there is a day that commemorates Love. it's what i live for.

i also love capitalizing on the commercialization of it...and i did a splendid job.

that's it for that subject.

don't it always seem to go...that you don't know what you've got, til it's gone...

which is why i have newly resolved to gain my 15 lbs and ass-ets back.

i said it.

i've realized that this year was not about me having the most perfect 25th birthday (although it was pretty perfect)...or the most spectacular 25th year. not in the normal way people think that a 25 yr old makes life spectacular.

it's about me doing absolutely everything that i can do to become hands-down the BEST 25 yr old that you know.

in every ass-pect.

(i had to stick that in there)

in health. in finances. in integrity. in character. in relationships. in motivation. in growth. in fitness. in security. in responsibility.

and in fun. =] but fun comes easily when focus brings everything else into order.

LOVE you.

i want to know.

2011-01-27T20:43:00.000-08:00

what would you do--if you knew that every step of your life was just going to be flooded with favor? that people would automatically like you, that businesses would seek to consult with you, that labels would be begging for contracts with you? that you would barely be able to walk because you'd be tripping over opportunities?

umm--wait a sec, bear with me...i'm a little crazy...what if that's how we're meant to live? come on. i am doing my best not to write in christianese. i'm not suggesting this because it's some properly religious way to think--but what if somehow, someone with some control, somewhere, really WANTS us to succeed and is pulling strings for us?

i know i still, after a hundred years of learning the same lesson (and i'm 25, you do the math) care FAR too much about peoples' impressions. not all the time, not even most of the time. but every time i realize i've just NOT done something because it might receive the wrong reaction...i want to punch myself in the face, scream and run around in circles...get violent. because somewhere, way way way down there, i know i was meant to be famous. a world changer. and how the hell are you supposed to do that if your actions are based on how people will react?

did you not like that i said hell?

choose. only you can choose. choose to DO. to BE. choose something that scares you.

now.

you're meant to be unstoppable.

"you open your hand and satisfy every living thing with favor."

if i told you that was written about obama would it make you happy? or the pope? or bono? (that one was more for me than for you) would you be more comfortable if your wildest dreams were in the hands of someone you could see and hear and tear to pieces?

"you open your hand and satisfy every living thing with favor."

why are you thinking about ignoring it? because it's impossible? because it doesn't make sense? because it was written a million years ago and it's only poetry?

what if it's true?

i want to know.

love, where is your fire?

2011-01-26T21:18:00.000-08:00

imposters have been passing, offering good-feeling glow
but I'm holding out for what you are about – an inferno that burns to the bone
some urge me to be temperate, lukewarm will never do
-brooke fraser

i had the most loveliest night tonight--reveled in the humor and glowing spirit and fiery music that is john mark mcmillan...enjoyed some great chats...

life is just a string of brand new discoveries every day. and once you taste what is true--how could anything else ever ever compare?

this is how i feel.

move.

2011-01-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

i spent time last night with my gorgeous, talented friend Bola. let me tell you what inspires me the most--seeing other people in my same age-o-sphere intent on making a DIFFERENCE in the world.

Bola recently quit her job at the Wall Street Journal to work with a company that you may have heard of, fairly new and on the cutting edge of marketing and advertising. she now relishes her independence, has a steady stream of clientele, travels at will, works from home, and gets to use her creativity more and more to her fullest potential. yet she is always looking for ways to take her game to the next level...in fact i would say that being satisfied and comfortable with her life scares her.

we checked out Feast for dinner and talked for hours--i highly recommend both. =]

Christy Lee was one of my favorite people to trash-talk and gossip with when i worked at The Marlay House. many long nights were full of tears, laughter, and slaps upside-the-head by her brutal honesty. with a houseful of six beautiful kids and a toy chiuaua, most of the world would find a million reasons why doing anything else is far beyond their capabilities.

but not my c lee. with the full support and drummer-ness of her hubby, she has in the last year built (and re-built and re-built) a band, and begun to take on all of the local haunts with her forever-dream of singing. first stop, atlanta--next, the world.

i don't want to look back on a single day and wonder what i accomplished.

so, i won't.

wimeme

2011-01-24T21:04:00.001-08:00

the good news is--you want it, i have it. the bad news is, i truly believe i need more...

but then, good and bad are sometimes a matter of perspective... ;)

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my life as a poser.

2011-01-23T18:10:00.001-08:00

i have fun. my life is made up of irreproduceable moments. come with me.

(i also make up my own words)

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unstoppable

2010-12-18T22:21:00.001-08:00

nothing stands a chance against my love. which I learned from his love.

watch out.

for real.

2010-09-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

i am wearing my new fake pearls...they are glorious. sending out training manuals and setting up interviews and watching a documentary on ted turner. it's funny, i will never ever choose to watch history, but once it's on, i can't stop. and i find it all fascinating.

reflection: test your relationships. prove them. for goodness' sake, show your absolute worst as soon as possible. narrow them down, weed them out. save time, lengthen your life.

be real.

love. just do it.

2010-09-08T16:23:00.001-07:00

I was just remembering when I worked for UHS in Memphis...I would stock up on legal pads and keep some blank ones just to word-vomit on. You're welcome for that mental picture. While sitting on hold waiting for irate clients to pick up the phone, or listening to endless albums of U2 (one insurance company actually played other than elevator music when transferring)...I would write scads of half-songs and partial stories. The thought of coming up with new inspiration for those yellow pads actually made me excited to get to my incredibly monotonous cubicle. As excited as I get when I see a Lindor truffle or find cute shoes at Ross. Going to the park with my people or taking a nap...now those are a slightly different caliber of goodness.

What moves you? Grab on and breathe it in as hard as you can. It's the ability to fully enjoy the minuscule moments that defines you...and the course of your life.

A good nighttime city skyline is another thing that gives me a tiny thrill of joy. Miami's is oh so sparkly and colorful--and reflected everywhere in water, which is maybe the best part.

Discount shopping discoveries get me EVERY TIME. Yes, I found a bathing suit for $5 yesterday--and no, you would never know. Except I am telling my secret. But my favorite favorite is to find a goldmine of accessories at a steal. Charlotte Russe and Forever XXI have been my stand-ins...but I've been decidedly unfaithful to them here. This city is a treasure chest of adorable trinket markets.

I am obsessed with breakfast sandwiches. =]

I love seeing YOU laugh.

"I swear to you, there are divine things more beautiful than words can tell." -Walt Whitman

staring at glass

2010-09-07T21:20:00.001-07:00

I was just looking for a creative way to say 'reflecting.'

But seriously--I've been thinking over my recent history--the past year has NOT been the easiest year of my life! And the really crazy thing is...the year before that was the hardest year I'd ever gone through! Ay ai yai.

But ironically, I have not a word of complaint. I have so many things I must do with my life, and the difficulties and challenges I have faced have grown me up at rocket-speed. I have seen first of all how much smaller my dreams are than God's destiny for me; and second, how many million areas he needs to fine-tune/overhaul to get me into position for launching.

My mama told me for 5 years straight what a mouth I had and that I needed to just shut up; amazingly it turns out she was right. There is an art to first knowing the truth, and then knowing WHEN TO SAY the truth. I'm getting there. Slowly. I also took for granted the discipline I learned growing up; I now comprehend that there is HABIT of discipline and then a CHARACTER of discipline. It can be learned but not retained; it must get into the heart and soul and truly be a part of who you are.

Along with all of that I have had to realize that I have not been using my strengths at all to their full capacity...and that is not ok when you plan to take over the world. Great talent immediately incurs great responsibility...and what's most wondrous is that when you DO push to absolute excellence in every area, you discover that you are far more able than you ever imagined.

This is my trip to the looking glass tonight.

Ciao.

golden...in a pitch-black kind of way.

2010-08-30T22:56:00.000-07:00

just lying in bed...listening to the silence...forcing myself to stay awake for a few more seconds so i can simply enjoy this.

what?

absolutely nothing.

i may have a couple things to catch up on tomorrow, even with the day off; but right now, in the dark, with only the glow of my laptop...

rest.

2010-08-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

but no weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong

lesson of the month: "...you shall show to be in the wrong" does not mean you shall do everything you can to prove them wrong. i tend to get a bit mixed up.

i am currently being re-identified. i am more and more convinced that this is a regular procedure for anyone who is tight with my Abba-God. and i crave it--because as much as it sends me running for cover, and i kick and i scream--i know it's how he brings me more and more ALIVE.

i have a bad habit of defending myself against attacks--and defending by going on the offense--which brings on a world of problems. i never understood the implications until now. Bible verses about holding my tongue are becoming dear friends.

i was going to write about the other million things on my heart, but i've run out of time. up at quarter to 6! love you party people!

p.s. i am not being weird or spooky calling God "Abba"--it's simply a pet name that reflects the intense bond between us that nothing can touch...

i can be healthy tooooo (the way my niece would say it)!

2010-08-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

i have been getting up at 5 or 6 most days for a few months now...and have finally added working out in the the fitness center to my morning routine. also paying a little bit of attention to what i eat (at least i eat fries conscious of exactly what i am doing to myself-- ;] ). i never ever EVER ever thought i would look forward to getting up early in the morning. i am astounded to discover that i am not one of "those" people that tried and true methods of feeling good don't work for. getting up in the morning puts me in a better mental state. exercising makes me feel alive. eating semi-right gives me energy. God-time (not that i am learning how to not let it put me to sleep) completely refreshes me.

i have to say though, that it has to be all of them together, and that's what i always missed.

now, as long as i get few minutes to nap in the afternoon...maybe i will last for more than a week!

favor & mcdonalds

2010-08-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

what a mind-blowingly blessed day.

back in miami, on the grind...and after several months of trudging through mud, we are seeing the light.

we were just given approx. 15 more stores in our different states, which brings our total to almost 50 at present. we have been working in one of our new stores here the past few days, and run into opposition much like we have been facing everywhere we have gone in miami. this of course makes us more determined than ever, so we went looking for the store mgr to see what we could accomplish. instead we ran into the new assistant store mgr, who was JUST transferred here from Southlake (one of our top two stores in the country) and knows FULLY what we are capable of accomplishing. this season (6 mos) at Southlake we have sold over $65,000, with the 2nd highest fragrance (Ralph Lauren) not even breaking $20,000.

this heaven-sent lady immediately arranged an impromptu mtg with herself, the cosmetics mgr and the general mgr, in which they planned how to get us $100,000 of stock asap, and work with us fully and completely in whatever way we need. that included giving us access to their training rooms, and we ran 15-20 interviews from the executive offices all day (while selling the store out of product). the majority of the prospects showed great potential, which has NOT been the case with the recruits we have pulled in prior to this.

i love this. i am going to sleep now.

the mcdonalds at the end was great as well.

room to breathe

2010-07-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

vacation has been a ride so far...that's actually literal, i flew, so i have been at the mercy of anyone who cares to drive me around. no pun intended.

we disappeared into the mountains almost as soon as i got here; a weekend on the lake away from civilization was really and truly great. spent loads of time on the water, made my first clumsy efforts at water skiing (it will only get better from here), and just enjoyed my family for a couple days.

i haven't been home to ny in the summer--fall, winter and spring, but not summer--for several years, and the richness of this season here has me completely enthralled. the sun is much more golden than in the south; the sky a deeper azure, the green of the trees more jewel-toned and vibrant. the breeze that blows the leaves is like a close friend i didn't realize i'd lost touch with; and the SMELL--the smell of ny summer has personality all its own. it's a mellow, warm, fresh scent, with a crispness to it like a perfectly toasted marshmallow.

part of me could just lay soaking up the beauty and not move a muscle for two weeks.

but there is the rest of me...

for the record

2010-06-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

i went to the beach last night.

i have heard rumors about puerto rican men. something about tall, semi-dark, and perfect. my friend yasmin from honduras, who loves cubans, told me "but miami has puerto ricans!" with big eyes and much animation.

i have confirmed for myself. the rumors are all true. fernando was not only charming but intelligent as well. (what?) we connected instantly. it was deep.

i could have stared at his friend all night long.

it ALWAYS comes around...

2010-06-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

we have had a tough few weeks! working around the clock, we have spent hundreds of hours preparing for the second biggest season of the year--Father's Day. we're at the beach, but we mostly see it as we drive by, or falling off of peoples' flipflops on their way through the store. besides starting up a whole new region while still managing our other 5 states, we have faced major unanticipated challenges in miami.

the most obvious one is that english is a second language here. not even our housekeeper understands us when we ask for extra coffee pods. i knew there was a reason i should have paid attention while i was listening to spanish tapes for 6 (8?) years. got a lot of novels read, though.

así que ahora estoy en la pista rápida para convertirse en un experto español .

the other glaring issue is that...miami people...are ugly.

not like that. they are (and i generalize) rude, mean and snobby. i've never seen so many people living in paradise and hating it.

but they have great style.

i digress. it has not been an easy season. 3 hour naps at night have been common. coffee has been my bff. people we counted on have come and gone. life has been a moment-to-moment survival.

and it all...paid...off. our stats came in this morning and our sales for the past week were 125% of a normal weeks' revenue (our normal week is already 400% higher than last year). one of our new miami stores, working with a skeleton crew AGAINST store management who had less than no respect for us (before this week), came in 3rd in the country for sales of our fabulous exotic fragrance.

we are blessed blessed blessed!

and my african-american co-workers are planning to dump me at the beach tomorrow because they are sick of wearing sunglasses just to look at my pale face.

no love.

bein real whichu

2010-06-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

if everyone grew...a backbone...and learned to not take anything personally--we would have a revolution.

especially my race. the brothers learn while still in diapers that in order to make it in this world, you have to have each others' backs.

the crackers learn that if you want to survive, you have to look out for yourself and no one else. which makes for some fake. arse. people. saying what you think they want to hear. what will you earn you the next rung on the political...social...spiritual...ladder.

i've lost a lot of friends because i told them what i really thought. and i am so thankful they weeded themselves out, because what i'm left with is as strong as iron!

just being real.

glitter and gold and sparkly things

2010-06-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

i've learned that you have to record the magical moments--they are the music that gives you strength for one more step when you are giving everything, and have nothing left.

so...

this is a magical moment.

would you call it azure?

2010-05-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

when i left the mall to head home tonight, the sky was this wild, intensely deep blue. like the color of the ocean when you look through your sunglasses from 15 floors up. it stood out like a lady who's spent time getting dressed up, intent on attracting attention. an officer in full dress blues, confident of demanding respect as he prepares for his speech.

i don't know why it captured me the way it did, but i love it. the weather got wild on my drive home, and by the time i got out of my car, the wind almost pushed me over. the sky was sparkling with lightning flashes and the air was practically vibrating with energy.

i love that Abba at any given moment throws a show across the atmosphere. like he had a spontaneous idea for some brilliant 3d art, and acted on it immediately...trembling with anticipation for how much his favorites would appreciate it.

good morning world

2010-05-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

it was morning when i started this post. life happened, as it has a way of doing. one 7-hour meeting and some time in the store later...here i am...

the macy's store manager at my main store in atlanta came by yesterday to tell me that we are now #1 in the U.S. for sales of Sexual.

the wealth of the heathen is laid up for the righteous. ;)

it's funny, immediately after hearing that, i and my team had 2 incredibly bad days of sales. i beat myself up about it for approximately two minutes, at which point i was once again reminded that my identity is not founded in whether i kick booty or not--in anything.

my Abba actually chatted to me for a while about it on the drive home. he talked about how i have a lot of talent, which he's given me, and most things i've done have come easily to me. and how the things he really wants to use me for, many of them will be things that are impossible for me to accomplish, with my talent or mental capabilities.

every single thing that i've undertaken in the last 6 months has been a massive challenge for me; i believe that means i'm on the right track. ? ! (@#8$(7

=]

it's when i'm at the end of myself that i am the most free; when i comprehend that all i can do is fully rely on Abba, i feel a huge weight released off of me.

and on the flip side--the incredible part of this season--the moments and hours and days that i let go and just walk in his favor.....those are breathtaking. he has blessed me in impossible moments with obnoxious amounts of good vibe, and allowed everyone around me to feed off of it. i want to tell stories, but they won't mean much at this juncture, to most.

Abba was explaining to me how, for what he has planned--if i were able to do it in my own strength, it's too big for me to handle, and my ego would destroy me. i have to need him, or i am done.

i'm okay with that.

enthralling...humbling...slightly embarassing. i don't have a concrete idea of what i'm talking about, and it basically sounds like i'm blowing my own horn. just "ponder these things in your heart." we'll get it some day. x

sweet dream or...

2010-05-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

the honeysuckle is out in full bloom--you can't step outside for 5 minutes without getting a big breath of sugar sweetness. spring in the ATL is my favorite favorite. the whole city is full to the brim with blooming foliage. also the landscaping in my neighborhood is GORGEOUS...but i'm not biased.

this city is rich with not just trees, but opportunity--i never would've suspected this, 2 years ago, before i moved. never would've thought i would find so much diversity in so many industries; so many fantastic outlets for expression of beauty and art.

i have been soaking up the great, great offer and position that i stepped into last fall with Michel Germain Parfums. it has been a WHIRLWIND--not by any means all fun and games--but i would not miss out on this experience for anything. what i have learned and seen and accomplished in just 6 months is worth many short nights, and more long hours in the store & office. i'm happy to say that the record-making and -breaking that i was informed about, which intrigued me when i started, has continued to build momentum. it is incredible to be a part of such a stellar team. we've also moved into other avenues of promoting--got to sponsor a massive fashion show (the launching of the Simon Duncan Collection in ATL, at the Lamborghini showroom)--and are beginning to negotiate contracts with celebrities that want co-op with our brand, to together reach much larger marketplaces (more on that later).

i don't always love the day-to-day dirty work. i don't always love the razor-focus required to catapult our company to the next level, which often means skipping other things i enjoy. but i am not afraid to say that the small amount of my life that i am devoting to this thing, whether a couple years or a few or even more...has already been and will unquestionably be an asset in launching me into my ultimate goals and my destiny in life. what i have learned already has been monumental--the best is yet...well, you know...

carrrrbs

2010-01-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

i love panera bread. and mac n cheese. annnd grilled cheese. and everything else that is slightly unhealthy and wildly delicious.

dreamy.

2010-01-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

i'm excited about my existence. i am excited about being in the right place at the right time, and seeing the favor of God poured out on my life. i'm excited about seeing things come into place that have been in my heart my whole life, that i could never put a finger on, that i still can't really explain...but you will see. you will see the evidence of the hand of my Abba in my life, and his blessing on me...and how it reaches out and overflows on you, too. =]

uhh

2009-12-09T22:56:00.000-08:00

i have so many thousand things to say and absolutely not an inkling how to get them out.

mercy me.

2009-11-18T10:07:00.000-08:00

...learning about being motivated by love.

do you know that if you ever feel guilty or inadequate or like a failure, it is NOT your Father speaking to you??

did you?

because all he ever says is, i've got this. whoops, that didn't work very well...let me have a look. don't worry, i know you'll do better next time. because your MY boy. my girl.

did you catch that? i'm God, and you're my kid. just like my other son, who i think you met a while back. when you met him, i put all of his nature and character inside you.

so get up; here, let me brush you off...and go get em.

tiger.

2009-11-03T12:42:00.000-08:00

And a sword will pierce through your own soul also--that the secret thoughts and purposes of many hearts may be brought out and disclosed. Luke 2:35

what did mary ever do, but live in complete obedience and surrender to God's will? and he allowed the enemy to kill her son. cold-blooded murder, if you will. and he didn't apologize; he said, this is for the good of the world. in fact, not only did he allow the murder, he picked her to have the baby in the first place, when he could've picked anyone. and yes, she was willing, she agreed to it; but she also had absolutely no clue what she was signing up for. how MUCH she would love that little baby, and how much she would sacrifice. telling her that the blessing that would come would be indescribably greater than the pain she was feeling when he died--i'm pretty sure that didn't make her feel a whole lot better.

"Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found grace (free, spontaneous, absolute FAVOR and loving-kindness) with God." Luke 1:30

so the favor of God can sometimes mean that you'll lose what you love more than your own life? and that he won't apologize as your whole world is torn apart??

and that if you can only make it through; if you can possibly trust in the middle of excruciating pain; if you can somehow hold out as everything goes upside-down and wonky; you could see the glory of God manifest in ways beyond imagination? and maybe, just maybe...ways GREATER than would've ever been possible, if you hadn't been willing to have your soul pierced...

mary's destiny, from the beginning of time, should she be willing...was to have her heart broken.

not from the beginning of time, but from the time of adam's bad choice.

but--but but but--because she said yes; because she said "i'm in;" because she said "let it be done to me according to what you have said"...

the strongest and most evil power that ever existed was destroyed. and the kingdom of God came to earth. and the almighty God once again turned and caused his face to shine on the people he created in his image, his holiness now fully accessible, not blocked by any wall or veil. and he then poured out the richness of his nature and his character and his power and authority in exceeding abundance into these peoples' lives, restoring them to what he had originally created them to be.

and you better believe that her Abba Father restored life and peace to her beautiful little heart, and brought more blessing and joy in the end than she could possibly contain, so much so that--believe it or not--it was all worth it.

i know. he is showing me, every day.

every day as my joy comes back a little bit more, and the world takes on newer, brighter colors than ever before, and people look in wonder at what God's strength has brought me through...

every day as i get one more opportunity to bring light where there was only shadow, and love where there was deep, deep pain, and beauty where the enemy thought he reigned...

i know that it's true.

"...blessed (happy, to be envied) is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord." Lk 1:45

...it's only the beginninggg!!

p.s.

2009-10-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

what god told me that put all of this in motion...he's brilliant, really, and so nice at the same time...never painfully straightforward or blunt:

get over yourself.

pbbbthlt

2009-10-25T12:58:00.000-07:00

i just got excited about cooking for the first time in months. it was weird. i quickly bought some microwaveable dinners to suppress the feeling.

haha...but even that was more proactive than i've been about eating since...since the last time.

let me tell you about my birthday. i spent the entire day by myself. the first half was beautiful, brunch at the parish, walking in the amazing weather, loads and loads of phone calls and online messages; then i was supposed to go to a show with a friend, but she got stuck at work, and i went to that alone as well. alone, except for the little man who decided we should both be together in our aloneness. i managed to escape him halfway through the night.

the show was AMAZING, band called The Bravery, listen to them. as i sat and tried to think of reasons the night didn't suck, i said to myself, if i was a character in a comedy, people would be dying laughing right now!

the truth of the matter is, though...my birthday was perfect. it started at midnight the morning of, when i was STRUGGLING and wrestling with god about some changes in my life that i have been believing for, that i have not seen happen, though i have been desperate for it for months and months. and he, this time, because he knows that dates and times are important to me--he came through, and he brought a change in my heart, and overcame me with with his LOVE love love, and freed me to be wrapped up in him as i never have before. he gave me perspective on my life that i have been trying to find for AGES...and i then waited over the past few days to see if i would get sucked back into the other mindset i had...and i haven't. because it wasn't a change that i brought to myself, through rationalizing or self-pep-talks...it was the kinda thing only my Abba-god can do, the kinda thing it DELIGHTS him to do, the rescuing his girl and giving her joy no man can take away kinda thing, and it's done.

i am starting a new year, a seeing-heaven-on-earth year, and i am ready. so ready. and the enemy will try to run right in and ruin everything, like he tried to on my birthday...but that's not how it's gonna work.

i was made to love, and that's just how it's gonna be.

move.

2009-10-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

I'm serious. Power comes when we act and move. God ALWAYS meets us when we step out. We just gotta get over ourselves.

my friend sean said this after i texted him needing some validation regarding an intense conversation i was having at work. there is essentially one truth, one right, and it revolves around our need to be reconciled to the Father, i said. but what about hindus and muslims and others that never ever hear this "truth," one of our regulars asked?

i started explaining how i feel that God gives opportunities to everyone to be reconciled to him, although for some it may not be as cut and dried as "believing Jesus died for you and accepting him into your heart." maybe some never hear this exact message--i still believe somehow God gives them a chance to make a choice for him.

i was cut off because someone listening in got uncomfortable, which is nothing new. i sat there for a minute chewing on the fact that EVERYONE i am currently surrounded by wants an easy worldview, one that allows for everyone to believe however they please and still have a happy ending.

so in an effort to remind myself of all that supports the way i feel, the views i hold that are so ugly and disagreeable to so many, i asked sean, do people from other religions go to heaven?

and he explained to me what i already knew, affirmed my thoughts, made me feel less psycho...and reminded me about the power.

see, God's power is uncomfortable to move in. i haven't thought about it a whole lot for quite a while, because--well--debating is much more acceptable. sounding intelligent and informed, that's something atlantans like. changing someone's physical or spiritual makeup, on the other hand...there's never really a guarantee how anyone will respond.

but the truth is, that's fear talking--because when God's power is displayed, it SHUTS UP arguments and debates! God's power will only EVER have a positive effect for the kingdom i am supposedly living my whole life for. right? right??

so....

facing front...

2009-10-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

...and moving forward.

what's going to be next? it's time for some new. life is too comfy.

maybe nepal? www.umbrellanepal.org ...or africa? or...??

america?

ahhhg

2009-10-03T23:04:00.000-07:00

so incredibly beautiful and simple...that...you completely miss it if you look too hard...

Jesus did not live a life, or preach a gospel of compromise; the attraction of His life to the masses was the fact that He made the invisible God visible and at the same time reflected the original blueprint of every individual. His mission was to both reveal and redeem the image and likeness of God in human form. Col.1:13-15.
The most labelled sinner in society, the prostitute and tax-collector, heard enough in His message and saw enough in His life, to feel totally identified and included in Him. In Him they saw the display of the character of their true design and make-up; they recognised the life that they were meant to live: a totally fulfilled, unselfish life of love and moral integrity.

-Francois Du Toit, Thoughts For Life

...is this the gospel how it was meant to be told? i believe...

magic

2009-09-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

from my journal...scuse me while i wax poetic for a hot minute.

do i write about it every single year when i get the first tastes of fall? probably. it's the most delicious feeling in the whole wide world.

you walk outside, and you immediately sense something different. there's a crisp, tangy smell in the air, slightly smoky, slightly acrid from decaying leaves. then you feel it–the brisk little breeze with an edge, like lazy summer is over and it means business. the sky is bright blue, the puffy clouds are out in full force...and besides, there's a tiny squirt walking around the park with a puppy over her shoulder, and white-blonde curls all the way down her back and then some.

then there are pumpkin spice lattes...or pumpkin spice white mochas =]...and hoodies and caps and scarves, but still light floaty scarves that match the mood of bonfires and driving with the windows down...

2009-09-24T11:19:00.001-07:00

The more women feel "appreciated" as an object, the more they feel like they need to be an object to be appreciated.

-Ashley Weiss

my world is rocked...

2009-09-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

just saw It Might Get Loud with the edge, jimmy page and jack white.

it's overwhelming being in a room with the three of them at the same time, even on a screen.

it was more than watching a film. it was getting inside the minds of absolute legends. yes they are just people, same as me–but they saw something that nobody else saw; they felt a hunger for something different from anything yet created; and they have spent their lives chasing it, fighting it, owning it...and bringing it to reality.

brilliant.

that demand to bring alive the music they felt inside–an obsession, really–and then believing in what they wrote...that's what MADE them! their music is their hearts and souls, paraded before the masses to do with what they like. as it turns out...the masses like it.

hardcore.

favorite parts: each of them played a song and showed some tricks to the other two. when jimmy started in, the edge and jack just looked at each other and got kiddie boy grins on their faces; jack's dimple came out; they were in awe. it was the part of the rockers' bible that says, take off your shoes, this is holy ground. ;) blasphemy, i know, but we DO bear the image of God, and i have to think moments like these are when we taste the spiritual and physical realms colliding. i had a tear.

the edge showed them how to play "i will follow," and jimmy didn't like one of the notes. he said, are you sure about that C? ahaha...one of the most famous songs in the world and the creator was just questioned whether he was playing it right...

so much more. jack wrote a song on the spot; they took you in the film to physical locations where each first started out with their bands; all of the playing was inconceivably ridiculous; and as yule brynner says...etc, etc, etc.

living with intention

2009-09-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

i just think that so many times, people get caught up in seeing how far they can go before it's too far. i do it all the time. wellll...is this okay? i know THAT'S definitely not okay, but this is still fine...still inside the lines...

whereas if i'm running after the nature of christ, after living out the image of God that i was created for...i'm so FREE from fighting against limitations. it's so dumb, and it's such an ongoing cycle...i suddenly stop, and i'm like, what the flip are you doing? why are you trying to decipher what's not worst when you could be focusing on what's best, running after the love of your life, in which case "being good" is an automatic consequence?

i like it. so instead of trying not to make bad choices, i (when i hit a brick wall and remember) try to make purposeful choices. so everything i do has a clear motive behind it that will bring about all the things i want my life to accomplish. live with intention.

thrice

2009-09-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

so simple and so flipping deep...i can't even say how much i love this song.

~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~
"the weight"

there’s many who’ll tell you they’ll give you their love
but when they say “give” they mean “take”
they’ll hang ‘round just like vultures till push comes to shove
they’ll take flight when the earth starts to shake

someone may say that they’ll always be true
then slip out the door ‘fore the dawn
but i won’t leave you hanging on
another may stay till they find someone new
then before you know they’ll be gone
but i won’t leave you hanging on
no, i won’t be that someone

and come what may, i won’t abandon you or leave you behind
because love is a loyalty sworn
not a burning for a moment
and come what may, i will be standing right here by your side
i won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight

some talk of destiny, others of fate
but soon they’ll be saying goodbye
but i won’t leave you high and dry
because a ring don’t mean nothing
if you can’t haul the weight
and some of them won’t even try
but i won’t leave you high and dry
i won’t leave you wondering why

and storms will surely come
but true love is a choice you must make
and you’re the one that i have set my heart to choose
as long as i live, i swear i’ll see this through

favorite

2009-09-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~
"for the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end [fulfillment]; it will not deceive or disappoint.though it tarry, wait [earnestly] for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day." habakkuk 2:3
~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~

sometimes i get all distracted living in this incredible natural world with all it's quirks and hardships and excitement...and forget that the spiritual world is around me and IN me and i am here, wherever here is, for something so great! and sometimes i let myself lapse into thinking that the natural is all there is, because it's almost easier, isn't it, not to carry the weight of that...other realm...?

but every small accomplishment, and every little victory, and every overcoming...they are each one step towards everything that we were originally intended for; towards bringing the glory and perfection and breathtaking-ness of that world--and of ourselves in that world--into a grand collision with this one...toward HEAVEN ON EARTH. toward the kingdom of God coming...or the people of the kingdom realizing that it is already here, and tapping into that revelation in such a way that it begins to manifest itself and no one is any longer left with any doubt.

oh yeah.

2009-09-06T22:33:00.001-07:00

i found your favorite sweatpants. don't think they'll ever be returned--they're way too comfy. they were too small for you anyway.

maybe i'll write a song about them.

shtuff.

2009-09-02T21:55:00.000-07:00

i feel like such a big girl today. i was at least 85% less of a bum than the last few days. got up at 10:00--WOAH--well, ok, 10:05...still a record. drove to aaron's in time to catch my bff's boyfriend on the Today show, performing with his band. sat at the piano after that for HOURS...made myself stay put...and work out some songs i've been working on for weeks. almost done! i did cheat and run to dunkin donuts at one stage...

i have to say i'm excited for the songs that have been coming lately. they aren't all positive at this stage, but there is an authenticity that i have been chasing after for what feels like forever. i remember going through LOADS of heartache and anxiety when i was 16 years old, waking up one day to find that i had been trying for so long to be what i thought other people wanted, that i--literally--no longer had my own identity. it has been a long road back, discovering who mercy joy is and how to BE her without fear...but it has been rewarding and magical and sweet, too.

went to an open mic night up in smyrna later on tonight...which mostly consisted of old guys that play guitar as a hobby, but a friend of mine runs it and i think he's got a good thing going. i will be mixing up the age/sex/genre a bit. ;) the best part of the night was GRAZIA meeting up with me, old friend/family from back home; she lives just down the street from the coffeeshop now...such a breath of fresh air to have a little piece of ny in my corner! warm cozy feelings...

i came home and there was a little shelf sitting outside waiting for me, exactly like the one i have in my kitchen, which i have been planning to paint black--except this one was already black. this brings me to the list--which is growing very long--of things for my apartment that i keep mentioning out loud that i want, and God keeps dropping in my lap. all exactly MY color and style. let's see: kitchen curtains, shelf, table, flowers for the kitchen, blender, couch, 2 tvs, dvd player, chair with ottoman, tv stand, side table, rug...the majority of these, i am not kidding you, have been specific items that i have stated, to myself or someone else, 'oh, it would be nice to have this,' or, 'that would be perfect.' for the most part they haven't come from the people i've said that to, and i have not paid 1 red cent for any of them. oh, and there was the $80 that fell out of an old journal when i was praying for provision one day...

"...and they shall reign [as kings] over the earth..." Rev 5:10

the weather felt like fall today, i drove all day with my windows down and the music blaring.

this is my life, and it is rich and full and beautiful.

2009-08-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

excuse me...i have something to say...

it was massively refreshing last friday to hang out with my buddies cliff and nick. they stopped in to see me on their way home to nashville from the beach, and i introduced them to my lil city which i--can't deny it anymore--am truly beginning to love.

it was such a release to be around people who, like me, are striving to be in the world but not of it. to find the balance between accepting a culture and effecting change in it. also men who are heavily involved in the christian music industry, yet not corrupted by it. i can't even tell you how skeptical i am of christian musicians, because i have just been faced with so much corruption and shallowness in their midst. i would often rather be around mainstream artists because they tend to be much more genuine. but there really ARE ones that seek God with their whole hearts and work constantly to have him glorified with their lives--and i am proud to say i am friends with two of them.

and a word of encouragement, because i often write when i am in the dumps:

"live PURPOSEFULLY and worthily and accurately" eph 5:15

"and let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint." gal 6:9

unravel

2009-08-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

while you are away/my heart comes undone/slowly uunravels/in a ball of yarn...devil collect it/with a grin/our love/in a ball of yarn...he'll never return it/so when you come back/we have to make new love...

purple-ish grey

2009-08-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think i'm the silliest person in the world...then i realize that it's true.

seriously. no one else takes me as seriously as i take myself. so then i have to laugh.

it's been a crazy summer. so much fun, and so much drama, and so...MUCH. do you know that there are so many subjects in life that just don't seem to have concrete answers? i believe that they actually do...but it is virtually impossible to find them, looking through the haze of individual life environments and experiences. i find that as i go on, i want more and more to LISTEN to people and find out how they feel about things, so that i can understand where they're coming from, rather than pushing my opinion. but at the same time, i want to HAVE opinions about everything, and STRONG ones. it's such a dilemma...because you also can't be listening to people if you're focused on making them understand your own point of view, can you? but...i have some truths that need to be shared, don't i?

i've gone into this mode lately, of riding out the waves--i sit and hang out with people who live completely differently from me, and hold completely different views of virtually everything, and i make sure they know that i accept them just the way they are. and they absolutely know that i don't agree with them, but i don't voice it much, because i want to hear what they have to say. but what i'm thinking is...there has to be a way to break it to them, that there is another, and i believe a better, way. how do i do it? i am known for being friendly, and loving, and sweet, and fun...but how do i become outspoken...in a gentle way? i want to be one of those christians that doesn't just have high morals, but has reasons for those morals that actually make sense to a world that thinks they are just bull****. i don't want to just live a life that they respect and admire, i want to live a life that they WANT...and then realize is actually reachable for them.

but my bro-in-law tells me not to sit and soul-search for hours, so i'm going to talk about something else for now. i am officially a big girl, living on my own, so no one will know if i curl up in the fetal position for hours like a 5 year old! ;) i have been gobs of blessed in the last month and my apartment is pretty much fully furnished with all of the cutest free furniture ever...i'll take some pics on my SO-cool phone as soon as i'm done rearranging.

i'm working on getting out of debt...so of course i've suddenly had all sorts of financial crises that have been making it impossible...but abba...and my big bro...are still faithful and things are looking up hugely.

i miss my granddaddy. i miss being his princess, i miss that time of life when the most exciting thing in the world was him and grandmommy coming over for my birthday. i miss the salt and pepper chin. i miss looking for him at price chopper. his phone nbr is still one of the only 3 i have memorized. i didn't know how much he loved me until i had a niece. he won't be able to go to my wedding. he always told me i was beautiful, and it made my whole life. i miss picnics where the kids table was the big spool. i miss him and wanda hanging out.

i love this song--love artists that move me...i'm going to be one;

the man who can't be moved - the script

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand,
Saying, if you see this girl, can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money, they don't understand,
I'm not broke, I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

Cuz if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving

Policeman says, son you can't stay her,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cuz if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world

Maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner
Cuz you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

2009-06-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes you want so badly to make someone you love see the truth. like that you love them madly but that carrying that out means something different to you than to them. that you'd do anything in the world for them but not to the extent of enabling them to live unhealthily.

i know lots of people have thought that for me. and if those people had given up on me because i couldn't understand where they were coming from...well i'd be a mess today i suppose. i have such a wealth of individuals in my life that exemplify unconditional love no matter how dumb they think i'm being.

so now, that will forever be one of my biggest motivators for all i do...the hope that i can show as many people as possible that i love them just because...i do. regardless of anything. through that, i know i'll make some bad judgment calls...but i pray with all my might that the positive impact is far greater than the negative.

loving is work. relationships are hard. but i'm not gonna stop. i'm so aware that no matter how "good" i am at it...'you are gonna have to find out for yourself.' so i'll just keep doing what i do and wait for the revelation.

"scatterheart" --bjork

Black night is falling
The sun is gone to bed
The innocent are dreaming
As you should sleepy-head

All the love above
I send into you
Comfort and protection
I'll watch over you
But don't ask me
What's gonna happen next
I know the future
I'd love to lead you the way
Just to make it easier on you

You are gonna have to find out for yourself

My
Dearest
Scatterheart
There is comfort
Right in the eye
Of the hurricane
Just to make it easier on you

You are gonna have to find out for yourself

All the hurt in the world
You know
There's nothing I'd love to do more
Than spare you from that burden
It's gonna be hard
If I only could
Shelter you
From that pain
Just to make it easier on you

You are gonna have to find out for yourself

2009-04-11T13:02:00.001-07:00

peer pressure...pro...has influenced me to write a random blog capturing some of the random thoughts flying around in my upper head area.

><<>>< cher n i have been tearing up atlanta. i can't really disclose too much info because it may interfere with our plans to take over the city. suffice it to say--we are coming to know far more about the place than most people that grew up here. we have been to the highest heights--the cocktail lounge of the westin downtown--and the lowest of...whatever that place was--eek. and every single coffeeshop and cafe in between.

><<>>< small children are the most incredible people on the face of the planet. seven never ceases to amaze me. he is a perfect genius. but i know that abi is more so and i miss her every day.

><<>>< my heart is still lost. i am only learning to accept it and cope. i have breakdowns sometimes but not always! i'm using it for growth.

><<>>< i have a new baby. her name is jasmine. she is brown and beautiful. she is a guitar.

><<>>< i'm running out of time. not like, time to live but more...i'm about to be late for work. i have words to say...about how Abba is blessing my life and the people that have come into it recently and the exciting things happening...but it will have to be another day.

there is still so much joy in the world.

that time...

2009-03-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

...i'm thinking of spring in new york. not because it is arriving any time soon ;), but the trees are all blooming here in inman park and aaron and melissa's yard is CHOCK FULL of violets. so it brings me to remember all the things that are not here...mole hills everywhere and layers upon layers of locust pods. massive patches of brown where the earth hasn't seen the sun for a good 5 months. the overwhelming smell of wet, rotting grass and leaves (my favoritest), and the first warm breeze on my cheek in SO FOREVER. getting stuck in the inches of mud and random ponds that weren't there the last time i walked through that field, but pressing on because i have to be out there, soaking up the NEWNESS of everything. rifling through all the mess in mama's flower gardens to find the first snow drops and crocuses and mini daffodils, and finally believing that it can be warm again one day...

2009-03-23T12:59:00.001-07:00

i hate being moody. i hate hate hate being moody. there are more things that i hate, but that is all i say right now.

working uber hard on keeping ever second as busy as possible until my emotions get flushed away somehow and i can LIVE instead of existing...

but how can i leave my blog on this note? i love cher. i love love love my family...especially pro, cuz she makes me feel important in my blog ;) and especially everyone else, because one or another of them is always there for me when crunch time comes.

i love the weather.

i love hanging out with random people for the heck of it.

i love when the street magician tells me what i am thinking (i still wanna know how he did that).

i love savage pizza.

i love pretty.

i love Abba but that's a non-negotiable.

i love abi.

cheryl

2009-03-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

is coming todayyy z;eoirzvnwlk!!!

and also...i love when stepping back from situations in order to refocus and gain perspective...finally starts to work...

but i do have a lot of songwriting to do.

a;eszorigzw4ao9ujv, dalknwkejrhlwj, sdfj sofign ecv jsdk.

blue and blurry

2009-03-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

what do you do with blue, blurry days like yesterday? blue dress, blue mood, blue(s) norah jones(s) music. a whole blue moon long. blessed though, with the blurriness of forgetting.

in a way, yesterday was a success, in the world of fighting terror/memories. at least part of the day i did enjoy being alone. i soaked up the PERFECT sunshiney day, and found the CUTEST pair of shoes (and immediately put them on), and talked to morgan for the longest, bestest time.

i bought some groceries and actually enjoyed making myself dinner...i found a book that i think i will like to read...i drew a pretty picture...i pet a dog, and smiled at lots of people, and cleaned a little bit for my new roomie...

it was blue, but a little bit blurry too, the parts that needed to be. sometimes blurry is harder but yesterday, i liked it.

now. i am getting the itch to travel again. there is so much of the world i have yet to experience. i have a big ol irish flag on my kitchen wall and today, it speaks to me of possibility. not looking back, but forward. i have some thoughts to lay out, and then it is just about time to start plugging away at them:

~need to explore
~need to pay off debt
~need to save money
(conclusion--need to make lots of money)
~need to make music...this focus gets dim at different points but never dies, and when it comes back, it is always stronger than ever. music is my heart and soul and i can't deny it.
~need to start playing out
~need to not be afraid to start playing out.
~need to make art. pictures, clothes, stuff.

curtains and pieces of happy

2009-03-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

remember when ny came to atlanta for a few hours? and i woke up and pulled back the shades and saw this...

it was kind of exciting. i was driving to work thinking that i might be stuck there all night, because of the nonexistence of plows. weird...

...the pub is actually not authentic at all in this state:

i had my curtains lying on the floor for the longest time, because my muscles from the days of the farm have perished and i couldn't screw in what i needed to with a handheld screwdriver. coco finally came to my rescue...

but i still think he's a slacker.

i am excited for NEW THINGS to be happening...my babigirl cheryl lynn is coming to live with me next week. in the meantime i escaped to memphis for a little bit to see the love of my life berthany

>><<>><<>><<>><<

did you know what you were doing did you know?
did you know how you would move me well, i don't really think so...

so...

2009-03-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

i've had some hard days lately...

today is not one of them.

today i am contemplating many things...and wonder what will be the end result of my surrender...although i believe it will at least bring about many songs.

haha.

i love god.

i have a few ideas of ways he could improve certain aspects of life...but i think he just sort of patted my back and chuckled when i mentioned them.

at least he thinks i'm funny.

-more-

2009-02-22T12:25:00.000-08:00

-later-

this is the first time that at the end of a relationship i have not lost any ground, but rather, have overwhelmingly gained. in spite of my desperate wish that things could be different—when i look back all i can see is good…and growth…and blessing. from the first, you committed to showing me the place that a real man should have in my life, and you wouldn’t stop until you made sure i knew exactly how incredible and desirable i am. you brought me healing from so very much aching pain and confusion, and made me believe in good men again.

you lived the very nature of God—and in complete humility, because you don’t even know that concept! with no thought for yourself, you constantly wondered in what new way you could affirm me. you reminded me that all that is required is for me to be wholly me, and those that should will take it, and the rest will leave it. you didn’t find your identity in me, and didn’t wish for me to become dependent on you. you wanted things to be different but didn’t want ME to change in the slightest. you never once pressured me to become the same as you, or share your lifestyle—you only considered what ways you could adjust your life to fit mine, and if it would be enough for us both to be happy.

you have brought me unending joy. you make me laugh forever n ever…and all the ways you do that would require a whole day at least.

there is one thing that actually always frustrated me more than anything. for the first time, you are the one who knows who you are, better than i do—i, who take such pride in being a step ahead of the game; in the peace i possess because of my identity in Christ. sure, no one can take that away from me; but i lack the confidence to do the things that i actually want to do most. i have borrowed it from you and from others at different points…but haven’t found how to be unshakably ME. mercy joy.

so begins a new season of soul-searching.

journal entries

2009-02-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

2-21-09

so yesterday i made the mistake of going back through some of my text messages. i only made it through a few.

tonight was the first night you didn’t walk me to my car when i was leaving work, or at least give me a long hug goodnight. i had been a little gratified by your quietness all evening, your somber mood, but when i was walking out the door without you i realized that no matter how much you care, or miss me, or want me…we are not together. and then i knew i wouldn’t be satisfied with your friendship. maybe it will make me happy a bit, here and there, but at the end of the day…i won’t be safe in your arms.

so then i did the most creative thing i could think of and cried the whole drive home.

2-22-09...1am

tonight i went to b & n and remembered who i am that is just me, apart from you or anyone else; that i find myself when i am lost in reading a book. that i LOVE to write songs that capture the essence of a particular feeling or moment, or season in time. that as much as i wish i understood politics and economics and finances, i will always favor art and beauty, the making and the understanding of them.

i realized tonight that most of my life has been spent waiting for other people--at least the people i look up to--to decide who i am. and that i don’t have the first clue what to do with that.

a tribute to you...

2009-02-19T08:44:00.000-08:00

there were others...i loved them for what they could've become. you i love for all the things that you are. you take my breath away.

in selfishness i want you to be lost without me. but in truth i want you to find what you are looking for...so you can be whole.

godspeed.

You are the bravest man I've ever met
You unreluctant at treacherous ledge

You are the sexiest man I've ever been with
You, never hotter than with armor spent

When you do what you do to provide
How you land in the soft as you fortify

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won't you lead the rest of your cavalry home

You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon
You with your new kind of heroism

And I bow and I bow down to you
To the grace that it takes to melt on through

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won't you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

You are the greatest man I've ever met
You the stealth setter of new precedents

And I vow and I vow to be true
And I vow and I vow to not take advantage

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won't you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man -Alanis Morissette

i can't belieevvve

2008-11-18T15:12:00.000-08:00

it's been that long since i posted last. seriously. i'm being serious. i thought it was maybe a month ago...not TWO!

so what's been happening?

~my niece has just gotten more and more wickedly precious

~i am nanny to a new baby in the shape of a small boxer puppy

~i've learned even more guitar

~i've learned a lot about...ahem...ireland

~aaron n melissa have been most wonderful to me

~i have learned how to PRAY!!

~i got new boots. i always find the best boots when i go shopping with melissa

~i've fallen more in love with my Abba/father/papa/God than ever...n ever

...

2008-09-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

if you walk around the left side of the grange, you see the gate that leads to the back door:

it makes me smile.

i want to do a photo shoot.

...i am up way too early. i guess when life accelerates at dizzying speeds sometimes the mind just doesn't know when to turn off. even when i do sleep, half the time i dream a continuation of what was going on during the day.

but it seems i am in a word-vomiting frame of mind so anything could happen right now. that's a lovely expression huh? ;)

God has been getting ahold of me in new and different ways. he used my new circumstances to dig up some issues i had...with him, actually...that i subconsciously chose to ignore. because everyone knows you can't blame God for things, right? so, many months ago some little thoughts of feelings of distrust and betrayal crept into my soul somewhere...but i dismissed them because all my instinct knew, of course, that they were wrong. the proper term is actually that i buried them, because to dismiss would imply i got rid of them.

well...my Abba is so incredibly dedicated to me, and the pursuit of relationship with me. i can't even believe it, honestly. he has used so many different little things to direct my attention to his unconditional love, to rebuild the broken foundation of trust. which was only broken because of my misconception, but nevertheless. he has gone the "extra mile," per se, to prove that he is not...one more person that is failing me (not to sound incredibly self-centered, or insinuate that i am cruelly treated and to be pitied--just laying down some honest struggles). and...part of that proof has been through beautiful people. my family, for instance. also through various blessings of provision and little delights...and again through The Shack. read it.

i am wrestling some things out right now, but just the fact that i have the will and purpose to sort through them, that i can see an end result to chase after...is so much fresh air to my soul that was feeling old and dusty.

~%~%~
find a way--the used

Lay your head down just for now
Space fills your mind and you dream awhile
The sun floods your room as you drown
Your lungs full of breathing
Your true love believe

One more time to say I love you always
And keeping faith, letting love find a way

Move let the stars suck you in
Hold tight the night's air and breathe again (and breathe in)
Let go and be burnt by the moon
Your hands full of feeling
Your true love, believe

One more time to say I love you always
And keeping faith, letting love find a way

I love you to death
Could you love me to death

One more time to say I love you always
And keeping faith letting love find a way

I will love you to death
Letting love find a way
~%~%~

ooh.

2008-09-12T07:11:00.000-07:00

they've finally posted pictures of little ireland on the website. and the menu. check it: www.thegrangepublichouse.com.

rar.

2008-09-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

this is how my life is...stop. and then goooooooo...in a wild blur with no slowing down.

i just wanted to stick a picture of my new world up:

here's a crummy...but pretty...shot of night life:

and the amazing speed bike that darren and colin...cruise around on:

irishmen are kind of silly i think. the other day we were watching a sort of training video for the pos (computer) system, and colin was entertained because the voice-over had a canadian accent. so while we're watching he continues to walk past us saying, "front of da hoose; back of da hoose," mimicking the video...in his VERY irish accent. um...what's HE laughing about? it's a lot more amusing to hear him say dodgy and scalliwag and tanks very much and...

and this is my new umbrella. the blur indicates the current speed of things...haha...milo. i cringe when i post pictures from my rad phone online and think of you. i just like the patterns in this picture.

new/old

2008-08-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

new home. new city. new start. new shopping. new opportunities.

first meetings. new batch of old jokes about my name. new old pick-up lines. new awkward first conversations.

old questions--what if...? what now...? what's next...? old scared feeling of incompetence, followed by stubborn determination...make it through...no matter what.

little bursts of joy at small successes. confused, mixed emotions of loneliness and anticipation.

learning unrelenting trust...over again. facing fear from arms of love. going back to the basics; finding beauty in the very smallest things.

chaos...

and rest...

and this old world
is a new world
and a bold world...for me...
and i'm feeling good.

mio fratello

2008-07-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

this song is for alex. no one needs to know that the driving lessons referenced were HIM teaching ME...
there's not much else i can say. al, you are incredible. così fiero di voi.

...jacq, this wouldn't exist without you. no one who's ever known you has ever stayed the same...and why would they want to?

just for a minute, love
let me go back
and live in the days
we made our brother-sister pact

endless hours of fun
and pouring out our hearts
driving lessons in the sun
great adventures after dark

but forever present, the love of your life
if not filling your words...always...filling your mind

now it's you, and it's her
you're together, complete
after unending prayers, you're living your dream
and just for this moment, i'll make my wish clear
that every day is better than this one you hold so dear

the boy who i boarded with
stole my affection
with his fresh muzzarel
and stubborn dedication

but never lost sight
of the man he must become
for the hand of his woman
a chance to be the one

you pursued her Maker, found your true Love
and finally she knew...that you...could be her home

now it's here, today
the start of forever
the beauty of your lives fills me with wonder
and now more than ever, i want you to know
my joy is complete as i see your future unfold

on prudence.

2008-06-07T15:24:00.000-07:00

ease in slowly
you know it's not my style
i am all or nothing

racing into passionate waves of love or adventure
feeling the icy rush
hoping i don't get pulled under

but not this time.

show me the pounding surf
see my feet firmly on the ground
or maybe digging up the sand
just a little.

i will watch and wait
when the tide is just right
maybe i will take a swim in the shallows

see the sunset
eyes free of salt of water
for once...not in over my head.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

abi-girl, i am so excited to meet you.

excerpts from the ol journal...

2008-05-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

Berth and I rented a movie and sprawled on the couch soaking up the warm night while we watched it. But first we took a walk with Benson and Leah, during another perfect Memphis sunset. The stretch of Dexter Ave that runs along the edge of the woods was overtaken by honeysuckle; I practically hyperventilated trying to breathe it all in. Glorious. And then we had too much energy to simply walk like normal people--we marched, and power-walked, and made up steps that had us and every car that passed dying of laughter.

%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%

Things have mellowed out on Creek Front. not so many parties. Not so much craziness. It's still busy, but in a...grown-up kind of way. Like there are places to discover and people we want to be. And we know how and why. There are visitors, but they aren't here to bum around. There is purpose. Even if you can't see it, you feel it.

Beth and Leah are practicing tonight for a show at the Hard Rock tomorrow. The night is still, the nieghborhood quiet except, as always, our little corner of light and life. From here, Stephanie's upright bass is booming out the open window and Justin's kit is shaking the walls just a little. I feel a twinge of sympathy for the neighbors...but no regret. How can you apologize for doing what you love and living a fulfilled life...

oh how i love the road...

2008-04-21T01:14:00.000-07:00

I'm in NashVegas for a few days. That's Nashville to you easterners. It's GMA week (Gospel Music Association), host of the Dove Awards, and it was a good excuse for me to see some very loved, very great friends from all over the country that I never see. This whole weekend has been sooo fun and the last couple nights have been much needed relaxation downtown with some of my favorite people.

I marvel at how blessed I am with the friends I have connected with in the industry. The Christian music scene is full of half-hearted, flaky, wannabe rockstars; people dying to be famous who exploit the name of our savior in order to get there; so much shallowness, hypocrisy, ROLEPLAYING...selfishness. Yet somehow I sit at a bar in the hub of it all, having real conversations and laughing with decent people, people who actually like each other, people who work for what they want, are extremely successful at doing it, and never put on airs.

I love you guys.

$

2008-02-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

my new goal is to save money. i'm not sure how car accidents and random road trips plays into that...but we'll work on it.

2008-02-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

my heart is...moving on. i'm not quite sure where it's going yet, or what it's moving on to--but it is protesting all that i have put it through for the last two years. it seems to think it has just about reached the limit.

thankful for the lessons learned. honestly--it has all been used to grow me. every bit. i will right a book one day, and it will be brilliant, because of the opportunity to see both sides of life.

but now, i will do what my heart is asking, when i learn what that is--because my heart is following after my Abba's heart.

and when i figure out more clearly what i'm talking about...what is next...i will write a post about it.

lord save me

2008-02-18T06:42:00.000-08:00

there are ants inside my laptop.

change of heart

2008-01-09T19:38:00.001-08:00

i used to hate mushrooms. now i love them.

"all my knights...

2008-01-03T15:14:00.000-08:00

...in shining armor have turned out to be bums in newspaper rags." -me. ha.

this is a new song...i wrote it on Christmas...along with some happy songs. =] but this is the first one i semi-finished.

all i want for Christmas dear
is everything you’ve stolen
a chance to laugh without a sigh
hear whispers and not wonder why
you’re hiding
what are you hiding?

all i wish for this new year
is every minute wasted
time to smile without fear
a few more seconds free of tears
i’m fighting
don't think i'm hiding

what is the chance i could let go this singular disgrace
find solace in the thought of giving you the gift he gave
giving you his grace

i’ve been given
and given
forgiven

hold a moment i’ll collect
the pieces of my loves
is there a heart you’ve left un-torn
a trust that’s not betrayed
would you un-break…it all?

Christmas solo

2007-12-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

So. Things are different this year. I'm by myself, in the south, without a tree. Welp--since you aren't here, I thought I would draw you a picture.

I got to sleep as long as I wanted. I made it to 10:30...I'm sadly less nocturnal now with a full-time job. I answered the hundred merry christmas texts messages on my phone and then dragged myself out of bed. The sun was doing the ol "streaming in the window" thing so I walked outside and...it was summer. 54 degrees...wasn't really computing so I went back in and turned on the Christmas lights. I made french toast and sat on the couch and watched Christmas programs and laughed to myself. Some of the facial expressions...and voices...I just didn't know what else to do.

Some of it was lovely though. Some incredible performing--I love Jessica Simpson's voice, don't hate, imagine it combined with the Harlem Gospel Choir...and speaking. A Bishop in DC told a story about an African Bishop who's church was attacked by child soldiers. This hits home since my amazing buddy John has a passion for those kids and their tortured existence. The bishop was about to be shot heartlessly, but the boy who was head of the attack asked if he wanted a cig first. Instead, the bishop asked permission to pray. He thanked God for his salvation and asked forgiveness for the child. The prayer broke through the cold hardness of the mini terrorist and he fell to the ground saying "I want what you have!"

The bishop in DC asked his audience--do you know why you're here? Do people want what you have?

Who knows the sincerity of someone in a service on tv, but I loved it. I say this all the time but--we've got it all--because of Jesus. I mean everything.

Moving on--while the neighbor kids were outside playing with their new toys and having bike races, i made a pie. Now this was fun since I didn't have a pie plate or a rolling pin. So with an orange plastic cup to roll the crust and a lot of cornstarch, I made a cherry pie...casserole?

I cleaned up the kitchen, folded my laundry, made a cup of tea and sat here at the window to record my first tender Tennessee Christmas, while watching A Bing Crosby/Perry Como Christmas show. I have yet to wrap Ty and Tiff's presents to bring them for when we all have dinner together later. But...they're pretty much going to love them. heh...I think.

My family--you are the greatest. I don't want any other. My friends--only about 2 of you know about this blog, but I love you.

Now I have about 3 songs I am in the middle of writing and no one to keep me from doing it...

how do i say...

2007-10-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting couple of months. My life has changed completely at least 5 times over I think. And right now I am practicing double-spacing because I hear I will need to do it for the typing test for my job interview on Tuesday. It's good too because it makes it look like I've written a lot. And I got up way too early this morning so I can't say I feel terribly ambitious right now.

That's what's up. This deportee is tired...but looking forward to each hour and whatever it may bring.

I have the best friends in the entire world. My Abba has put a face on recently, and arms to hug me when I most need it. I love him, and I love them--and I am a protected, loved, grateful...little girl.

old art--

2007-08-07T01:11:00.000-07:00

some songs/writings from the last year...that don't need to be on a public blog. while they don't reflect where i'm at now...i kind of love some of them. enjoy...

~Okay~

If I apologize would that be enough?
Or maybe a bleeding heart would suffice
A drink to thaw your ice cold smile
I’ll untie your tangled heartstrings

Comedy without laughter
A play with no curtain call
The joke is on me, on you
Oh how we missed the punchline

Okay
Make it go
Away
I want us to be
Okay

Did you want me to read your mind?
We’re screaming out the words in silence.
The clouds are clearing on a dirty find.
Stumbling in burning blindness

Risking all
Only to find it lost
Hoping for perfect
Perfect without a cost

Okay
Make it go
Away
All I want is us to be
Okay

<><><><><>

~gone~

If I go away will my place remain the same?
Running for the One who wrote my
Name in drops of sunlight
Falling to warm my cold cold hands

will the heat keep the chill dark from falling?
in the cracks of my broken heart
will the song from my lips flow purer
in sweetness holding back the pain

how will I find my way?
Guided by the peace that overwhelms the stormy
Battle raging at my mind
Rescued by the joy that defies madness

<><><><><>

~Fog~

Every time I think I find the sunshine fog creeps in
But I’ll outwait the rain to find myself again
And if I can’t help splashing childlike in puddles
I hope for saneness’ sake you’ll forgive a little mud
I’m finding a way to keep from being who I’ve been

waiting is a grown-up game I don’t know if I’m ready for
though I aged a thousand years in some odd months and more
i’ll coax a smile to the reflection in the dirty water
i’ll turn my glance onto the shadow moving in farther
and maybe I’ll find strength, in spite of me

my perfect day
has found a cloud
and my umbrella’s inside out again
i’ll focus
on the light
but if the darkness breaks my heart again

absence makes the heart go crazy, no news isn’t so good
wandering in the dark makes me moody and rude
but if I must leave well enough alone I’ll try
and if it comes to letting go again I’ll avert my eyes
i’ll do every single thing I said I would…and more besides

my perfect day
has found a cloud
and my soul has been wrung dry again
i’ll focus
on the light
until the warmth restores my heart again

don’t be scared, you know the brand-new smell of spring
promises fulfilled, and He will rescue us and everything

<><><><><>

~all that we~

I wish you’d never talked to me or walked into my life
I wish you’d leave
I don’t why you stole my heart, the hole you left is large
Didn’t you see

My expectation left me aimless
wandering in restless apathy

You’ve got a warm, bright way about you
it seemed too dark without you
I left my senses tried to
be the one you need

But then the night fell cold around me
the way stopped shining plainly
and now all I can see
is all that we can never be

Soon I will have figured out what it’s about and how
I will be well
Soon I know I’ll find me better, new forever
still it’s hard to tell

my heart’s addiction breeds confliction
never-ending circles of this dream

<><><><><>

~dirty joke~

i had the world before you
sometimes seeking answers hinders truth
but i’m not afraid to find out what’s next
i’m not too dumb to be happy in this mess
if you see me laugh, i’m not confused
it’s just so clear, what we can choose to see

it’s all a dirty joke
no more to be spoken
when we find the broom we’ll sweep it up
stuff it underneath the rug

we’ll dance
we’ll laugh
we’ll try again
we’ll live and learn
we’ll cry again

i’m gonna clean my room
write some letters, sit and muse
probably lose track of my keys
maybe record brand new melodies
it’s funny, when you find mud on your clothes
sometimes you see that that’s just how it goes

it’s all a dirty joke
no more to be spoken
when we find the broom we’ll sweep it up
stuff it underneath the rug

it’s done
it’s gone
we’re new again
we’re wild and free
and improving again

<><><><><>

~conspiracy~

write your script out line by line
word for word and be precise
take a shot, now change the angle
watch the cords and stay untangled

what if someone changed your plot?
would grace cover the plan you’ve sought?
stake your days on what you feel
does life record a separate reel?

conspiracy
it’s sucking all the breath from me
i little see
what positive effect could be
from this conspiracy

the scheme of things is hard to find
and which one matters – yours or mine?
can what you want be what is true
and if it’s not, what the hell will you do?

i’d like to know where i fit in
and in your thoughts do we all win
and might i make up my own mind
is just your opinion worth your time

conspiracy
it’s sucking all the life from me
i little see
what positive effect could be
from this conspiracy

if God is mine as He is yours
maybe i’ll ask Him what’s in store
and if i leave and don’t look back
i hope we all can handle that

<><><><><>

~lost in translation~

you told me tomorrow
but tomorrow never came
and all our yesterdays
lie lost in thought, unmade

like empty useless pages
lying lifeless on the shelf
in the sunset of abandonment
with secrets they can’t tell

and i know you and i are a never ending story
and the happy ever after must be lost in translation

miles apart
i hold you at arms’ length
while in my heart
i write the manuscript complete

<><><><><>

ajmtml and the wild.

2007-03-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

i am excited about a second annual camping trip. i keep thinking about it every day. what new adventures lie in store for us? i can't even begin to conjure up ideas of what awaits. but it will be good. i'm sure of it. time spent with my favorite people in the whole world, in the middle of the most beautiful scenery-ness, doing whatever the heck we want to. i want to learn to fish. just in case i like it. i think we should have some hard-boiled eggs this time. for old-times' sake. and because i love them. aaaand...yeah. i don't know what else to say.

Huey's.

2007-02-26T06:22:00.002-08:00

it's one of my most favorite places. they have good food--although i haven't eaten the last few times. the water though--it's out of this world. i can't stop drinking it. i end up using the bathroom 3 times every night i go.

okay that has more to do with needing something to keep me occupied while i listen to the music. and by the way...i've learned something in the last few weeks. it's okay to ask for water. and it's even okay to ask for water with lemon. but when you ask for water, no ice, with lemon...your friends all look at you like you're crazy, the waiter asks you to repeat yourself at least once, and someone always makes a comment under their breath (or really loud) about how you're from ny. why, Lord?

haha anyway. mostly i love going to huey's to hear Memphis Soul Revue. they are amazing. i could talk about them all day, but that's not what i'm here for. last night the Dempseys were playing.

they are one of the best live performances i've ever seen. they are kind of a rockabilly band, they do a lot of very memphian music...if you have seen Walk The Line, they are the back-up band for several scenes in the movie, especially on johnny cash's first tour. in one scene they are wearing very sparkly shirts.

they are probably the most energetic band ever...although mutemath rivals them there. but seriously, the bassist--that's upright bass--i have never seen him NOT bopping. he's always in an up-and-down motion and then sometimes back and forth and around and around and whatever else at the same time. and his face is way exceedingly expressive--reminds me of jim carrey. he's got this grin that makes his face disappear. the drummer sits there with an almost bored expression the whole time, chewing on a piece of gum, while rocking out to insanely fast beats. and the guitarist...he's crazy too.

the first time i saw them perform i got so worn out. i was freaking out for the first half of the show because i couldn't believe what i was seeing, and then i continued to be more and more blown away, but i had to stop reacting because there was nothing left in me. "holy crap" was very overused, i couldn't hang my mouth open anymore because the drool was offending people, and my hands hurt too much to clap again.

but yeah. they are good. they play fast, fast music for close to 4 hours, stopping for one break. they switch instruments in the middle. they balance on the upright bass and play it that way. they stand in a line and each play two instruments at once--the fingering on one instrument and the picking on another, or hitting with a drumstick. what the crap.

the movie:

use to be my...

2007-02-13T06:23:00.000-08:00

practice blog...but then i realized that my vocal teacher is so awesome that she doesn't make me post every day...like for instance, the other staff.

so now i'm going to write a long random note and see if anyone in the whole world reads it. you know what i'm saying? yeah i thought you did. i am in class right now...louis is talking about theology, suicide, and throwing people out of the church. haha because that's what people have been asking questions about.

it is rainy and cold. but not as cold as it has been. my hair is growing very fast.

i'm thinking about going to germany this summer. wouldn't that be intense? i've been thinking about it for a while...i feel like God gave me the idea, so i told Him if He wants me to go, to just provide a way. that wouldn't be difficult, seeing as how He told me that He would be doing things in and through my life that people would know had only been made possible becasue of Him and for no other reason. that was a long sentence. but yeah, germany. i would be playing music, which is one of my goals, in a foreign country, which is one of my goals, and helping other people to grow, which is yet another of my goals. what an idea.

brooklyn recorded the most incredibly great song yesterday. our first original. i am SO EXCITED.

God is good. if you have any doubt, ask me and i will tell you.

Love.

almost fall brrreak

2006-09-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

I warmed up today by playing worship songs. It was really awesome. Anyway, after that I practiced "How Do You Love?" and "Perfect Girl." I listend to Tara Leigh Cobble several times and got a lot of the words and the tune down. I LIKE it. Not so much the music style, but it's fun.

siiiiingin in the rain.

2006-09-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

I did a lot of warmup tonight--I did scales, arpeggios, I massaged my muscles, I stretched. I really needed to take some time and relax. I practiced my classical piece "A Pastoral" a couple times, and I played around with a song I wrote. I worked on "How Do You Love?" It was interesting, after ensemble today, it took a whole new feel for me. My perspective has definitely been broadened by the different kinds of music we've had to perform, and I love it. Anyway, I worked on the bridge a lot, trying to figure out a good alternative. It's hard to do when I'm singing to the track, easier to improvise with just the music.

I worked on Sarah McLachlan, and I listened to Tara Leigh Cobble. I had to grab the words offline, so I haven't been able to practice it much yet.

bloggity blog

2006-09-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

After warmup I practiced my songs again, nothing really new. But, I did spend a lot of time on Superstition, working on harmonies and what not. So fun! =]

bloggeriscious

2006-09-25T11:55:00.001-07:00

Practiced the usual. Warm up, went through reps. Felt really sick so I couldn't practice a full hour. =(

la la la

2006-09-20T11:23:00.001-07:00

So I've been horrible with remembering to post my blogs. I'm sorry Brittany!

I felt rather accomplished today. I did warmups with scales, and then doing the nasal thing (nay-nays). I practiced my classical piece (the one I'm learning for sectional) a couple times. I like how much it stretches me, because it's much higher than something I would normally sing.

Today when I was practicing "How Do You Love?" I was focusing more on body language and facial expressions, singing in the mirror and moving around the room, trying to facilitate space. I thought about dynamics, and I tried doing the bridge a few different ways, to find a way to make it more interesting. I practiced putting more and less emotion into it, trying to really feel the words.

I worked on "Perfect Girl," focusing on the jump (which I still have trouble practicing the way we talked about) and the low notes, which are a lot simpler since I stopped doing chin thrusts. haha...I also practiced a faster song by Bethany Dillon, and then I worked WAY overtime on Stormy Monday, getting ready for ensemble.

i practiced. w00t.

2006-09-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

This blog is for yesterday and today--it was too late when I finished practicing last night to find internet.

Yesterday I did my usual warmups...and my range is definitely increasing! Okay, that's cool. I practiced the Sarah Mac song for a long time, and the CS song--both are coming along. I love all the things that I notice and I can work on changing as I go. I've been singing in front of the mirror and not "chin-jutting"--it's amazing how well it works. I did a bit of stretching and massaging my muscles yesterday also, to release tension. I was having trouble relaxing; but I was definitely better after that.

Today when I practiced I didn't go quite as high or as low in warmup as yesterday--my voice was a little tired. But, I felt really strong when I practiced my songs. When I performed today I found out I tend to look at the ceiling so I was thinking about that while I was singing, too, finding an alternative.

in my room...lookin at the mirror...

2006-09-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

So, I started today with warmups. I did scales, humming...and the usual. Then I practiced arpeggios, and realized I was reaching higher with them, so I switched back to scales and tried singing them going higher the way I had with the arpeggios. It kind of worked, it was good. I worked on A Pastorale, which is really high for me. I like that, I was practicing ways you (Brittany) were telling me to sing higher. Then I listened to my Sarah MacLachlan and Collective Soul songs over and over, learning the words, singing them and practicing the difficult parts like I learned in my lesson. It's already a lot easier for me to hit the high and low notes.

yep.

2006-09-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

So I was able to practice for much longer today. I started out with a simple warmup, humming, thhhbbblttts, trilling...then I did arpeggio excercises for a while. I also practiced intervals from my sightreading book. Then I started working on my classical song. It's kind of enjoyable. I feel like I'm in a musical. After that I played worship songs for a while. It's amazing how ready I am to sing after I warmup. It probably has something to do with all the excercise caused by having to bend over so much.

here i am again on my own...

2006-09-05T16:07:00.002-07:00

I've got a lot of practicing to catch up for! This is the first chance I've had to blog. Okay, so I start with a lovely warmup...I hum through the scales as high as I can go, and then back down; then i do that thing with my lips. I'm gonna call it...thbbbllt. Haha. I do that through the scales, up and back down. Then I roll my tongue, doing the same thing. I massage my neck and tongue and whatnot, sometimes before all of the above; or after, or both.

Depending how long all of that takes, I'll end up singing for a while along with my keyboard to end. It's going well so far...I'll be glad when I have more to work on.